Let me set the tone for you. I have had bouts of insomnia lately and it is currently 4:31 am. I have been up since 2:00 am and have successfully finished a book, eaten peanut butter banana toast, and have peed three times. I tried to turn off the light to go back to sleep and my heart wouldn’t let me. It told me to get up and type. Maybe one of you needs to hear these words. Maybe I need an emotional release. Maybe it’s all of the above. What I do know is that when you heart tells you to write in the middle of the night, you do it.
The topic of “seasons of change” has been on my heart for a long time. I think about it daily, talk about it with friends, and it has recently appeared in my daily devotionals. I have wanted to write on it for a few weeks but I hadn’t found the words for it until now.
Just like natural seasons, our lives have seasons too. A change of season can equally be sorrowful and joyful. Leaving behind an old season of life also means leaving behind what you know, what is comfortable, and what is predictable. If you are leaving a particularly good season of your life it can be scary to enter into a new season. What if the new season isn’t as good? What if it’s trying? What if you don’t beat the cancer? What if you want to go back to the way life was? Leaving behind a bad season can also be scary. You may have been lonely, sad, or depressed for so long that you find a certain comfort in your feelings. You know what to expect. You know how to maneuver in your sorrow. You know how to get by. The thought of being happier and more joyful is so foreign to you that you don’t know if you want to travel there. What if you aren’t cut out for a joyful life? What if you don’t know how to live in happiness?
I think this topic has been so heavy on my heart lately because we are in the middle of many changes. Change paralyzes me. I get nervous. I second guess myself. I get anxious. I feel fear. I even get bitchy. (Sorry, Cody.)
Change of season #1: We are going to become parents in less than two months. This is a season we have been waiting for. Welcoming this new season into our lives will also mean saying goodbye to a season of predictability. Operating in predictability has a certain comfort to it. It can make a person (by person, I mean me) feel stable and secure. Preparing for this new season has been a dual process of letting go of familiarity and becoming comfortable with navigating uncharted waters.
Change of season #2: Life focus. Right or wrong, up until this point of my life a lot of my self-worth has been derived from my job. I have always been a ball-buster type who goes the extra mile. Work has been a main priority and focus for me–probably to a fault. It has actually proven to be a good distraction while we waited for our miracle baby. As I found discomfort in our infertility, I found peace in my work. The thing is, I really love what I do, so being fully engaged has never felt like a chore to me, more like a really good drug. Now that I am going to be a mom, some of my priorities will naturally shift. It is going to be a new experience for me to balance work with mom-life. As I teeter on this new balance beam I need to be aware of not comparing myself to others. I need to remember that I am navigating a new season and I will find my course. I can’t compare the start of my journey to the middle or end of someone else’s.
Change of season #3: We are moving. Call us crazy–I do daily–but we just happened to find our next perfect home while being in our third trimester. Within the past month or so, our offer was accepted on the new home, our current house sold, we packed up our treasures, and we are in the process of physically moving this week. No big deal. *sarcasm* Truly, I am so glad we will be settled in our new home before our baby is born but it has been a bit hectic. I feel sorry for my husband. He has done 99.9% of the legwork on everything and I am over here just being a nut job. One minute, I am completely calm and the next minute I am like, “WTF ARE WE DOING?!” I can be a spaz like that. Pregnancy hormones aside, it is bittersweet for me. We closed the chapter on our first home. There were so many firsts here and it will always be special to me.
What it all comes down to is that I want to be a good mom. I want to be a good wife. I want to be a hard worker. I want to marvel in the everyday joys of life. I want to stay active. I want to stay connected. I want to grow closer to God. I want to feel inspired. I keep coming back to the point that I can do anything but I can’t do everything (at once). I know I have to really be present in the season of life that I am in and embrace every single moment of that season for what it is. Just as natural seasons quickly pass, so do the seasons of our lives. I don’t want to look back on any season of my life with regret. I don’t want to wish I would have taken advantage of the miracles and blessings God was showing me in those very specific moments of my life.
It makes me nervous to say all of things to you because I am fearful of being judged. As much as I am anticipating new seasons of life there is a little girl deep within me who is fearful of change. These are my honest, naked truths. Once that little girl hurdles the fear of change she will forever wonder why she spent so much time worrying. Flexibility with change is something I frequently pray for. I know there is room for a lot of growth in this area of my life.
I am preaching to the choir here, but we have to embrace change for what it is, be present in all of the seasons of our lives, and believe that we are living in the plan God has laid out for our lives.
Thank you for listening today. I needed you, friend.
“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.”